Dare to Suck

Today is the 31st of October, so I thought I would touch on a frightening subject: writing something bad.

I mean writing something so bad it makes you scream. You are horrified that you could ever write something that bad. After all, you want to write quality stuff. You might even want your work to be published. Yet you wrote something so bad it is excruciating for you to look at. It can never be viewed by another creature. That includes your pet rock, Judgy.

No one wants to set out to write something with the mind that it isn’t going to be any good. It’s not a very encouraging thought. Why try if you’re just going to fail? You’re just wasting your time... All that jazz and lipstick.

The problem with being timid about writing something bad is that it breeds the need for perfection. Perfection breeds procrastination.

Tomorrow is the first of November and for a lot of us, that means one particular thing – the first day of NaNoWriMo. People all over the globe will be setting out to write 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. Talk about quantity over quality! Surely no one would want to write something so poor, just for the sake of getting it done?

Let’s smother that thought. Sure, we all know the good ol’ saying "quality over quantity" and it’s still as applicable as ever. The fact is that your first draft isn’t going to be perfect. Far from it!

Ever mumble to yourself or think, ‘One day I’d like to write a novel…’ or hear someone else remark the same? “One day” is too far away. Write it now.

Not prepared? Doesn’t matter! Just write. The secret to being a writer is: Writer’s write. It’s a simple but important truth that doesn’t hit a lot of people. They think that authors must be magic beings and that achieving their feats just isn’t possible for oneself.

Those authors you love? Their published works are not first drafts. Their first drafts were not of publishable quality and neither will yours be. The problem with fantasizing about writing a novel (whether you have the idea for one or not) is that in your fantasy the novel is perfect. It is as you would want it to be when it is finished…but you can’t just make a wish on a flying toad and jump to the end.

I have participated in NaNoWriMo twice before. In 2009, I finished my first 50k novel in 6 days. I wrote another that I crammed the last 20k of on the very last day of the month. Threat of carpel tunnel aside, I was quite pleased with my achievement. That isn’t to say that what I wrote was amazing.

Last year, I wrote the first draft of a novel that I had been aspiring to write for ages. I reached the 50k mark in 5 days this time. Yes, it was crazy. No, it was not the highest quality of writing. Yes, it was worth it. Why? Just because I finally had that first draft to work with, to tear apart and rewrite and scrutinize to my inner editor’s desire. You can’t do the same to a non-existent draft of an indefinite ideal.

Of course, sometimes you do achieve quality in these short-period feats. I wrote a screenplay in 2010 for Script Frenzy* that was an idea that I had been meaning to get out for ages. After I failed with one idea I was struggling with, I started again in the last couple of days of the month with this one and got it finished. Imagine my surprise when I re-read it some time later and actually enjoyed what I’d written!

No matter whether what you write the first time around is horror inducing or if it does produce some gems, you can tear it apart and rebuild it into something better

There are times when I write something exquisite…and it’s usually a first paragraph, page or chapter. I swoon over my sheer awesomeness and I think, ‘This is going to be an amazing novel.’ I try so hard to keep up the quality throughout the rest of the manuscript. When it doesn’t hold up, I fall back into the comforting arms of page one. The story goes nowhere, except in my mind where I imagine the perfection I wish to achieve. ‘My precious… You’re going to be so perfect.’

Then there are those stories where I bash out the idea and it’s just the most wonky, crazy, nonsensical piece of potential awesome that went wrong. I look at it and it sucks. I could run away and hide from it but it’s such an eyesore and I’m determined to fix up this idea. I must rewrite it. So I go crazy on its arse and rework it, printing out the horrific first draft and scribbling “COMPLETE REWRITE” on entire pages.

Sometime later I might come across a teeny untouched paragraph and get excited. I think, ‘This is my one little gem’. It sucks too. Even so, I am determined to get something out of this mess. In the end, I have something far more progressive than my aforementioned shiny precious.

If you have ever felt this way, then we are kin.

Just remember, the next time you’re worrying about writing something rubbish, that you might be able to take it and turn it into a unique sculpture of literature. It just takes time and the willingness to try.

To my fellow NaNoWriMo participants wrimos naners, break a leg and bleed ink!


*Script Frenzy has now, sadly, been discontinued due to low participation rates and insufficient funding.

What is an Indie Author?

I hear the term all the time but the question remains, “What is an indie author?” Thus, I set out to find an answer.

I first sought to discover the meaning of this word, “indie”. Perhaps from that I would further understand how this label would belong to an author.

“Indie” is a shortened form of “independent” and has nothing to do with Indiana Jones. Disappointment².

“Indie” is a word you will find in common use in music and films, although I’m more familiar with the term “independent film” than “indie films”.

An author who is independent?

Hmm... Definition time!

Independent (adjective)

1. one whose opinion is uninfluenced by another
2. not dependent on another’s support

Sounds like a powerful and snazzy way to describe oneself.

Those of us who are of an artistic and romantic nature will perk up at such a thing. Films made from pocket, low-budget but enlightening. Music going against the grain, finding kin to connect with.

Appealing as it sounded, I still wasn’t sure how the term applied to authors.

So I kept looking and finally I came to a conclusion as to what an indie author is...or at least how the term is most often used in today’s market.

An indie author is a self-published author: someone who takes the plunge to publish their work on their own, whether through a website designed for the purpose or self-printing and distribution.

What is self-publishing?

It’s when instead of going the route of getting an agent and a publisher, you take the decision to publish your own work. You control all the decisions on how your book is presented and marketed to potential readers.

These days, anyone can self-publish. However, if anyone can do something, it becomes far less extraordinary, doesn’t it? Well, anyone can self-publish but whether everyone should is an entirely different matter.

Regardless of whether you would read a book that you knew to be “self-published”, you have to admit that “indie” has a much nicer ring to it.

To me, whether or not a book is self-published or traditionally published is irrelevant if the book is good. I always say, ‘A good book is a good book is a good book’ and not all self-published books are going to be good. In fact, a lot of them won’t be.

Thinking back to the romanticism of indie music and independent films, I believe that a spectacular read that has been self-published would be an exciting discovery. Even more so because there are so many novels – self-published and otherwise – that are far from compelling.

I’m not sure I would go out of my way to read a book just because it was labeled “indie”, although I believe there is a growing support for self-published authors these days. Authors self-publish because they have not been able or inclined to obtain a literary agent and a publishing contract.

Some Most books aren’t taken on by agents and publishers because they are not up to the written quality that they are looking for. It cannot be denied that a few of these books are just not seen as marketable and thus their chance to be published slips away in the absence of belonging to a current trend.

What is an indie author? Well, I’m still not 100% sure.

There is a definite affiliation with self-publishing the way I hear it told but when it comes to the broader sense of “indie publishing”, an indie or “independent publisher” seems to be synonymous with a small or niche press, something very different from self-publishing.

I wonder... Are those that call themselves “indie authors” in fact indie at all? It’s an interesting, albeit confusing, thought.

For now, I think that I’ll just stick with affiliating “Indie” with Professor Jones.

What is your definition of an indie author and “Indie Publishing”?

Film Killed the Literary Star

If a book booms on the shelves and in literary reviews, you know it isn’t going to be long before a film producer catches the buzz and goes, “Cha-ching!”

A book or series that already has a huge fan-base can be amplified by millions through a cinematic adaptation. Media promotion backs film a lot more than literature. Posters, trailers – BAM, in your face, there they are for you to acknowledge.

When best-selling books are adapted into movies, fans – old and new – have the tendency to go crazy. The story is before their eyes. The characters are now transformed into real, tangible people. With the expanding fan-base, there is the need to hold tight to what you love or even prove your worth as a fan above others.

Film adaptations of popular books do not often fail at the Box Office. There is enough hype for viewers to flock to the cinema. No, what plenty of these adaptations manage to fail is the novel. Some book-to-films are great. Others cause damage.

What goes wrong?

People work really hard on making these movies. The production value is magnificent. You don’t gain film rights if you’re incompetent at producing films. Still, I – and many others – go to see a film adaptation of a book, only to be unsatisfied.

1. Film producers and directors aren’t necessarily fans of the book.

Sure, they can like and appreciate it but they won’t always be as close to it as the most loyal of fans. They have to view it from the perspective of a film-maker. What doesn’t translate to the screen? How can they adapt the narrative flow so that it doesn’t seem too slow in areas? Who is the most appealing to cast in the role of a character?

I like films a lot. I’ve even written a screenplay or two. They’re fabulous but very different from novels. The writer of a screenplay has to allow his or herself to be more distant from their work. They acknowledge that the script is not the finished product. It is taken out of their hands and interpreted by the director and the actors.

Novels are open to the reader’s imaginative interpretation but they are a finished product. You don’t have to hand it off to someone else…unless you sign over the cinematic rights. A film displays one finalized interpretation for the world to see. Whether that result is deemed “inaccurate” to the plot or just “different from how I imagined it” hangs in the air.

2. Great actors don’t always nail the role.

It is understandable when you’re dealing with a potential high-grossing film with an existing fan-base, to cast distinguished actors and receive more attention and potentially better value. These actors are distinguished for a reason, right?

Not all actors “get it”, no matter how good they are. Some just don’t seem to click with the role or understand where the character is coming from, while others add such life to the portrayal with their facial expressions and mannerisms, things you would never have imagined for yourself but which just seems so perfect. When that happens, it rocks my world. I wish it could always be that way but alas, it cannot.

I’m not going to mention the cinematic portrayal of my favourite fictional character because almost all most people disagree with me and I just don’t want to go there. It is however my favourite fictional character so I hope I am excused for being a purist and seeing him only as he is in the books.

There is one character portrayal I was very pessimistic about. I am very fond of Lord Henry “Harry” Wotton from ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ by Oscar Wilde. I have a particular love of his monologue to Dorian on the subject of youth. The most recent film adaptation of this book was in 2009, titled simply ‘Dorian Gray’. I learned that the actor cast in the role of Harry was Colin Firth. My response to this was, ‘Um…what?’*

I love Colin Firth in his role of Mr Darcy in Pride & Prejudice (and you will find me ready to watch the BBC miniseries over picking up the book) but I was worried about my charismatic lord.

It wasn’t Colin’s fault. You see, I had seen a film adaptation of ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ before. In it, Lord Henry Wotton was portrayed as some kind of satanic antagonist. I was not impressed. What if this was much the same?

So, the time came when I finally watched the film. Well, they did just about cut out my entire favourite monologue from the book but that worked to the narrative advantage. I loved the film and Colin’s portrayal of Lord Henry Wotton. Thinking about it now makes me want to watch it…but it is 12:45am, so I won’t.

What did I learn? First, Colin Firth is made of epic win. Second, not all character portrayals will suck as much as you expect they will. Who’s being antagonistic now, huh?

3. The fandom becomes all about the films.

Okay, so this isn’t the fault of producers or directors or actors. In fact, curse them for satisfying so many people. You do your jobs too well.

What I’m getting at, is that it becomes so easy to identify with the films, that the references to the plot and characters become all about the movie(s) and not the novel. If you don’t believe me, just try searching a big book-to-film title in Google Images. Yeah, I told you so.

It’s easy to get the books and the films mixed up. I do it too, though I try my best not to. People tell me, ‘It’s okay, I can tell the difference’. To them I respond, ‘Prove it’.
 
I yearn for the days when the basis of what a character or a place looked like was from the words in a book and our imaginations. No offence to <insert sexy/competent actor's name here> but I miss the days when a web search brought up book covers and fan art was inspired by imagination, not headshots.

In conclusion, film adaptations make me wary. Want to know a petty secret of mine, though? I only worry about book-to-movies of novels that I really, really like. I will often catch myself reading a decent but not edge-of-my-seat-fantastic book and thinking, ‘Hmm, I wouldn’t mind seeing this adapted into a movie.’ I’m so bad.

Yes, I can be both crazy and laid-back on the subject. It all boils down to personal preference of course. I may have two cents or a jar full of pennies to say on some matters but then, don’t we all?

What do you do when you discover that a book you love is being adapted into a movie? Are you excited or wary? Has experience left you generally pleased or unsatisfied?

*I had the same reaction when I learned that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker in ‘The Dark Knight’ and that was epic awesome. Just goes to show that sometimes upfront disbelief can pay off when confronted with a spectacular result.

A Cynic's Guide to Foreshadowing

10 Steps to Anticipated Surprises

1. Insert a character with seemingly no purpose at the beginning of the story. Have him show up at the climax or when there is a big reveal. The real reveal is that his purpose in the story is foreshadowing.

2. Have your protagonist read about or overhear certain information. Is there a rumoured Special Powered One? Surprise, surprise when it turns out to be your protagonist.

3. Use the weather and setting to reflect the upcoming mood of the scene. Bonus cliché marks if it rains and then your character receives really bad news.

4. Have a wizened mentor suggest at something ominous but not tell your protagonist anything substantial until the climax. Regardless, your protagonist is amazed and shocked at the reveal, even though the old geezer could have just told him what was going on chapters back. Cheers.

5. There should be a useless looking object that your character gets stuck with. It should be so seemingly irrelevant that it can only be exceptionally relevant. Later, it saves your protagonist's life.

6. Did someone call for cruel irony? If a character was a child bully and pushed other children, causing them to scrape their knees, then he may meet his adult demise in some form involving skinning. Charming, yes?

7. Misinterpretations are your friends. A young man's uncle and guardian comments on his follies in love, "Kissing isn't lustful. Let him imagine matrimony!" In fact, this is an assassin's code: KILL HIM. Poor love-struck schmuck.

8. Your protagonist is so intuitive that he's always right. No one believes his paranoid theory that an assassin has been hired to kill a teenage boy but is instead intent on killing his childhood bully, the boy's uncle. Sure, what this really kills is the mystery but at least your protagonist has a future career as a clairvoyant.

9. Symbolism is there for you. A cracked mirror shows a divide in loyalties. The Ace of Spades foresees a death. Someone drew stars in crayon on the walls and now there is a meteor crashing through it. Symbolic but deadly.

10. If you can take a metaphor and turn it into a moral by the end of the story, you're all set.

Yours,

The Cynic

Wanted: Well-Written Male Love Interest

There is nothing greater in fiction than a character readers can fall in love with.

I’m not talking about one you can fantastize snogging the face off. I’m talking about a character that we as readers are drawn to.

I can’t deny that definition will sometimes apply to a male character that another character finds romantically appealing.

I love well-written characters. The plot can be interesting enough but if the characters bore me, I don't really want to stick around. There is nothing worse than a character that is too dull to bare.

When it comes to male love interests in novels, I am finding more and more that they lean towards tedious and not tantalizing.

What makes a fictional love interest desirable to a reader and what makes him repulsive?

Five Things I Want in a Literary Man

1. Personality. He has to have quirks and interests and hobbies and opinions. If he's just sexy, brooding and mysterious, I won't be interested for long. There are too many cookie-cutter guys in novels these days. Character first, love interest second - please and thank you.
2. Conflict. I don't want him to mesh perfectly with his female/male prospective lover. If he is presented as imperfect, I want him to be imperfect. Promise me something and then deliver on that promise. Conflict makes the fictional world go 'round.
3. Motive. He has a reason for being how he is and doing what he does. He does not need to appear 100% against something on the outside, while on the inside secretly be all for it. There is no good v.s. evil. He can do something that clashes with his love interest (probably the protagonist, although perhaps not) without being a pseudo-villain.
4. Mystery. He doesn't have to be cliché-mysterious but I do want to be interested in him enough to want to find out things about him. He has to be intriguing enough that I'm anticipating learning more about him.
5. Somewhat scarce. You heard me, I don't want him around all the time. How am I meant to anticipate his next arrival in the story and be eager for his appearance if he is on every page of the story? He doesn't have to be AWOL for chapters at a time but I need enough distance that I'm awaiting his return, not drowning in his presence.

Five Things That Make Me Want to Literally Kill a Literary Man

1. Over-protective. I really hope that this guy/girl he is meant to be the love interest of in the story is not completely helpless and pathetic. Either way, I do not want to read about a male love interest who needs to save their prospective lover at every turn.
2. Pig turned pure. If this dude has shagged everything to cross his path and is now turning over a new leaf for his (probably virgin) prospective lover, I think I'm going to hurl. Hurl the book across the room that is. I do not think that a man who treats someone like a piece of meat and the (always pathetic female trying to parade as a strong woman) prospective lover taking that treatment, is good reading. It's a massive turn-off.
3. Cheese-ball with a bad streak. "I love you so much, I would do anything for you, blah blah blah - oh and by the way, there is a little bit of bad boy in me too." Great way to cover all the bases. Just because the guy can have feelings, doesn't mean he needs to be the most sensitive and understanding man-boy in the world, with the additional capability of kicking villain butt.
4. Too perfect. I like characters for their flaws. If he's all, "Oh look at me, I'm sexy and I have flaws but not really, I'm just said to have flaws but in reality, I'm perfect," I will lose it. I have had people encourage me to read books, warning me that once I read this book, no guy in real life will ever measure up to the love interest. I am glad to say that has never happened.
5. Center of the universe. Whoever is interested in this guy should not think that he is the center of their universe. They do not need to think about him all the time and they do not need to make every action and thought of theirs relate to him. Also, writers who make the core plot of the story revolve around this mysterious, bad-boy, pseudo-flawed chap, need to come up with some new plot developments.

I like a good male love interest in a story. I just have real problems finding them. I hear so much from other readers who swoon over particular fictional dudes and I just don't get it. Am I defective? Where are all the well-written men at?

What qualities in a male love interest attract and repel you in the stories that you read?

Science Fiction = Space + Aliens?

What comes to mind when you think of "science fiction"?

• Adventures in space
• Time travel
• Inter-species relations
• The future
• Vastly developed technologies

All these points fit into the genre and can be found frequently. The question is: What makes a story science fiction? Are aliens not speculative? Is time travel not a fantasy?

A lot of people think they know what science fiction is. It's something farfetched but plausible because it doesn't have to exist within the limits of our reality, only the boundaries of a future or alternative one. Basically, anything goes. It probably involved aliens or robots. Since science fiction or "sci-fi" can prove very popular with the male sex, it will also involve plenty of fighting.

Like fantasy, science fiction is pigeon-holed and stereotyped by many.

This is my definition of what science fiction really is:

Fiction which incorporates the use of science in a prominent way. 

A few more examples of what science fiction might be:

• Genetic modification
• Man-made cures and illnesses
• Technologies to destroy and improve the environment
• Study of nature v.s. nurture
• Chemicals or technologies that give progressive abilities or "super-powers"

There are many different scientific fields that can be explored and incorporated into fiction. They can be very plausible and current. What makes them all the more interesting is the way in which the characters respond to these situations.

How do you define science fiction?

The Eternity Code by Eoin Colfer

Artemis Fowl has decided to leave the fairies alone but not without one final reward.

Using fairy technology, he has created a super computer that will outstrip human technology for decades to come. What to do? Show it off to dangerous American businessman John Spiro, of course.

Learn not to underestimate your opponent. Spiro shocks Artemis by revealing his upper hand, leaving Butler the bodyguard severely injured and taking the super fairy computer, names the "C Cube."

Now Artemis needs his fairy friends more than ever but with the C Cube putting the entire fairy race in jeopardy, are they willing to help him again?

There is only one condition. If Holly, Artemis' contact in the fairy police, helps Artemis this time, then he must face the consequences and submit to the memory-wipe.

Will Butler survive? Will the fairies be safe? If so...will Artemis even remember any of them?

The stakes were amplified in this third installment. For once, Artemis didn't have a bulletproof plan. While I enjoy having Artemis' clever ploys revealed to me as I read, I liked that for once, he was one-upped. He was too cocky and he paid a price for it.

Artemis if full of witticisms and knows hot to out an adult in their place. I notice that he still appears his age (thirteen) and I often find myself thinking, 'Aww, that's so cute!' I'm sure Artemis wouldn't be pleased but I can't help myself.

I appreciate these books so much more than I did as a child...and I must have read the beginning of this novel back then because I had some vague recollections. There are so many technical and imaginative aspects in it that I fail to find in adult literature.

Butler has become a favourite of mine. I love how loyal he is to Artemis. Despite being 27 years the boy's senior, he is as much a best friend as a bodyguard. Of course, he is also somewhat of a father figure to the boy.

Juliet returns in this installment and she is more fun-loving and kick-ass than ever. She is a far more rounded out character than she was in 'Artemis Fowl' but while she shares many of her brother's traits, she often chooses flair over subtlety and is quite flawed, which I loved. She almost rival's Holly in the strong female character department.

There is even a New Zealander in this book: Arno Blunt, Spiro's bodyguard. I was struck by his character, although his accent sometimes sounded more Australian than Kiwi.

I still adore Nathaniel Parker's narrative and I know that before long, I will be listening to the audio book of the next installment, 'The Opal Deception.'

In accordance with the FTC, Quill Café would like to disclose that the reviewer purchased this book. The opinions expressed are hers alone and no monetary compensation was offered to her by the author or publisher. Cover art is copyright of Hyperion Books and is used solely as an aide to the review.

Proof Reading

No matter how many times I read over something that I have written, there are always mistakes.

Why is it that I can never catch them? It's as if there is a perception filter that keeps me from spotting them...or perhaps no matter how hard I try to focus, my mind wants to wander to a fresher prospective.

Proof reading is a necessity. There is something very off-putting about reading something with mistakes in it.

• Picked up a published book and discovered that something wasn't spacedcorrectly?
• are there capitals missing?
• What about questions with no question marks.
• If something belongs to someone, is it theres? Oh yes, I went their. Well...witch is it?

It's aggravating and down-right embarrassing when you make the same careless mistakes that you criticize. The obvious conclusion is to get someone else to proof read your writing. The perception filter only seems to target you.

There is a reason why I dread having someone proof read my writing. It feels like a constant string of criticism.

"You misspelt 'according'. There should be a comma here. I think this word is supposed to be 'condone.'"

Our writing is more than grammar. It is full of planning and creativity and we put a lot of effort into it. While we do of course need these failings pointed out, so that they may be corrected, it seems like that is all a person sees when they read through our work. Mistake, mistake, mistake.

"Um...thanks. What did you think about the story itself?"

"Oh, that was good too. Very nice."

It's not a great feeling but I have to remind myself that this is what I need and it's really helpful. So in the future, I'll just have to suck it up and not see it as a comment on my writing, just a helping hand with my grammatical errors and typing mistakes.

How do you handle proof reading?

The Definition of Words

Words, words, word - we use them all the time. For writers, they are our bread and butter. When did we learn how to use words?

When we were little, we listened and we spoke and they taught us some stuff in school. We caught onto the meanings and the context of certain things. We looked in our pocket dictionaries when we had to. We learned how to spell. To this day, in my head I still spell b-e-c-a-u-s-e whenever I hand-write it. Not because I need the reminder but because it has become a habit.

The best test of your knowledge is explaining something to someone else. Asking questions doesn't make you ignorant, although that idea can often keep us from doing so out of embarrassment. Being afraid to ask the question and never learning the answer, that's ignorant.

In high school, I would sit next to students who had English as their second (or even third) language. They'd sometimes ask me the definition of a word and I would do my best to explain it to them. In turn, I saught their assistance in other areas.

Defining words can be difficult. One word, not understood, needs several more to explain it. How tedious! When I try to define words I know the use of oh-so-well, I draw a blank. Could these be specimens of questions unasked all those years ago? I understood the meaning of the word but I never learnt how to define it.

Yes, explaining words is no picnic. The pop quiz always comes at the mouth of a 5 year old. At worst, a pretentious 5 year old whom, if you can't answer their question, will assume that you are stupid.

"What does this mean?"

"Uhh...well, it means, um..."

"You don't know, do you?"

"I do know, I'm just thinking of how to..."

"I'll ask a grown-up."

"I am a grown-up. I do know. Come back here! ...I fail at life."

Yes. You do.

Lucky for us, we have the internet. We can check online dictionaries for definitions, without risking embarrassment or scrutiny.

I was once reading over a favourite scene in 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' where Severus Snape is described by Sirius Black as being Lucius Malfoy's "lapdog." Though I knew what the word meant, I wanted to look up the exact definition, so I checked in an online dictionary.

1. a small dog that sits in the lap.

Awk-ward.

2. a person that does another's bidding.

Who knew that dictionaries could be so entertaining?

While I don't think that reading a dictionary can be a great past-time, I have been known to look through them for funky, obscure and unknown words.

So while I'm never going to be sure of the exact definition for every word that I use, I'm going to try and catch myself out when I'm sure I have no clue how to explain it to someone else. Though maybe not those 5 year olds. They still send me running.

The Arctic Incident by Eoin Colfer

When Haven, the underground world of the fairies, is threatened and there is sign of human involvement, the LEP (Lower Elements Police) point fingers at the one human who keeps the knowledge of their existence: Artemis Fowl, a thirteen year old criminal genius.

Artemis has his own agenda to focus on. After two years, he’s finally received word of his father and there is a ransom on Artemis Fowl Senior’s head.

With little doubt that execution will follow a delivery of the ransom, Artemis and his trusty bodyguard Butler strike a deal with the fairies: They help them to reveal Haven’s traitor and in return, get magical assistance in the rescue of Artemis’ father.

Artemis has never let emotion get the best of him before but all that might be changing.

Can they save Haven and Artemis’ father in time?

Once I was done listening to the audio book of 'Artemis Fowl', I knew I had to purchase the sequel. I have the first book in paperback and the three following in hard back but since I was on the other side of the country to my copies and I enjoyed Nathaniel Parker's narrative too much to pass at the opportunity.

Artemis Fowl is a great thinker but he's not one to take action. This book saw him out of his comfort zone and into harsh conditions, where he couldn't even rely on Butler to save him all the time.

'The Arctic Incident' gives a deeper insight into the characters from the first novel. What I liked is that it doesn't dish out lots and lots of new characters and instead shows more of the ones from the first installment. The characters were the real reason I felt the need for the sequel, so it was much appreciated.

Artemis is, to me, the most fascinating character of the lot. He is so clever but he really is a thirteen year old boy and this novel showed more of his vulnerabilities and how his personal priorities were high above committing crimes and reaping rewards.

In the first novel, Artemis and the fairies are on opposing sides, so while their alliance is a reluctant one, it is a very interesting one. The novel isn't over-sentimental as a whole, which makes the moments when it is more touching all the more meaningful.

In the first novel, I loved how Colfer had recreated the dwarf. It is so unlike what I would have imagined - these tunneling creatures who can unlatch their jaws and have hairs like antennae. Very unique and compelling to read about.

The story is full of conflict and cleverness and Artemis had me guessing until the end. Even still, I couldn't pinpoint his cunning. I love Colfer's characters and Parker's narrative. I'm already onto the third installment (on audio book) 'The Eternity Code.'

In accordance with the FTC, Quill Café would like to disclose that the reviewer purchased this book. The opinions expressed are hers alone and no monetary compensation was offered to her by the author or publisher. Cover art is copyright of Hyperion Books and is used solely as an aide to the review.

The Book Fail

I hate it when you start a book, eager and ready for a good read, and it just isn’t.

I have to admit, I used to be someone that when I started a book I had to finish it. My ways are slowly changing, mostly because I don't have the time to read a dud book. But I also think “why should I waste my time reading something I don't enjoy?”

It used to be that I'd keep reading it thinking, “It’ll get better soon, any page now...” and in the end, I’d just be disappointed. Now I put it to the side and say, “I’ll get back to that.” Someday.

What can you do though to prevent this from happening? It’s difficult when you buy a book. I know I for one, if one of my bought book’s turns out to be a shocker, I feel ripped off if I don't finish it. Especially if it’s been recommended to me or has been given rave reviews on Goodreads or another blog.

Now days if I'm unsure about a book (even in the slightest) I’ll leave it on the shelf and try to borrow it from someone or the library. Needless to say my splurges on books have slowed down quite a bit. I tend to buy sequels to books that I know I like. Even then I am sometimes disappointed. What is most difficult for me is that, usually, I am attracted to a book by its cover art. But this is not a guarantee of a good book as we all know.

So what are the signs that you’re reading a bad book?

This can be quite subjective really, since all our tastes vary. But there are some distinct symptoms you will suffer if you’re reading a flop.

First and foremost, if it’s not in your typical genre, I’d be inclined to borrow it first. Sure you might like many genres or want to test yourself, but still, if it’s out of your ‘comfort zone’, don't risk the money (unless it’s only $2). Next, if in the market for a new read, always flick through the first few pages, see if you like the writing style (after reading the synopsis of course).

Okay, so we’ve done all the usual stuff, now for the actual reading. You’re sitting somewhere comfy, a cup of coffee or hot chocolate rests at your shoulder and suddenly the words start to blur. And your only two pages in. Now if this happens that quickly, you’re in big trouble. Usually though this will happen later on, a couple chapters in possibly.

Other signs, other than the word melding, that the book isn’t for you include:

1) Uninteresting characters
2) Boring plot
3) You’re spotting the grammar and spelling issues
4) You want to re-write the whole bloody novel

So as you can see, there are many ways to spot a dodgy book, which is why it is very important to read a bit first and make sure it is your style!

Keep Children Away From Books? Scandalous!

Books – they’re out there.

There are graphic novels and fantasy novels and novels with aliens and advanced technologies.

There are biographies and reference books and books documenting criminal acts.

There are books with big words, rude words, no words and new words.

All one needs to do to find these books is look.

From a young age, we are very inquisitive. We seek new information and have the desire to learn. It’s true, we’re not always interested in everything in equal measure but what does captivate us, we grab onto and thrive on, wishing to discover more.

When you’re growing up, books can be some of the best sources of new information and imaginative discoveries. With so many books out there, covering such a vast range of topics and genres, it’s enough to make some people nervous. With so much available at the click of a finger, children and teens have access to a lot more than they used to. Parents are doomed to worry about what mightn't be “appropriate” for their children to read.

I understand a parent’s desire to be informed as to what their children are reading. It’s good to be aware of what your children are discovering inside the pages of a novel because parents should be a part of their child’s learning and developments.

There are parents who go to the extremes of having certain books banned from schools and libraries because they deem them to be immoral. This puts a damper on children’s ability to read and learn because an adult is taking action to smother a young person’s desire to discover and learn because of their own insecurities and prejudices. It gives youngsters the idea that reading certain books is bad and that learning new insights can be a dangerous venture.

A week ago, I saw a mother and her daughter in a bookstore. The girl (maybe thirteen) wanted to buy a set of adult books, involving plenty of violence and sex scenes. Since this was in the young adult section, I pointed it out to the mother, just so that she was informed. I was impressed to discover that the mother was very comfortable with her daughter reading and viewing material above her target age level. I think as long as parents are aware and involved, they have nothing to be concerned about. After all, if her daughter is reading, that is what matters.

Once in a large bookstore, I saw a little boy begging his mother for a book. She refused him. Imagine taking a child into a bookstore and refusing him a book! I have no idea what sort of book he was after but he was probably forced to go home and watch “age-appropriate” television, which might have been some dumbed-down program for children that would traumatise most adults.

Parents that read with their children and don’t neglect the books targeted at their child’s age group are much more likely to nourish their child's appreciation of literature. If you are confident and open about exploring books with your child, then they will be open and confident about discussing the book's themes and subjects with you.

Censorship and the banning of books is a serious issue. While a parent has a right to take an interest in what their children are reading, to take measures that keep others from reading what are often good and well-loved books, isn’t fair.

Books can’t hurt people or make them do anything. They are simply a wonderful gateway that allows readers to experience and discover something new.

Procrastination Temptation

It sits there waiting to attack when you’re ready to work. Pen and paper or mouse and laptop at the ready, then BOOM! It gets you in its grasp and refuses to let go. Squirm and struggle as much as you like, but the Procrastination Faery is waiting. You know what I'm talking about.

So what can we do to fight this procrastination temptation?

There are many ways of fighting the little imp that is Alfredo, the Procrastination Faery. Unfortunately none of them are quite as easy as flicking him off your shoulder. He clings, trust me, I know. And I have the claw marks to prove it.

First step – always carry paper (a small sticky notepad or a little blank diary) and a pen with you. You never know when an idea is going to hit you, like the time I was hanging from a hire-wire and that monkey was tickling my toes... but that’s another story. This may seem obvious but it’s rather crucial. How many grand designs come from a little sketch on a napkin or a sleepy scrawl made just before you fall asleep? PLENTY!

Okay, so you have your carry-on luggage, paper and pen, what’s next? Write where you’re comfortable. Don’t go outside or sit in a cafe if you’re going to get distracted. Don't sit in your room if the TV is sitting there offering you a world of cheap entertainment and bone-idle laziness. Take your body on a little journey to a spot that offers inspiration and creativeness. If having music or a movie on in the background works for you, yay! If watching a variety of creatures, big and small, stroll along the street from your cafe corner works, good.

How we going?

The scene is set and your utensils are at the ready, but you draw a blank. Pick a word, chose an image or a memory, look around. Start describing something or let an alternate persona take you over, and write. It doesn’t matter if you don't know where the story is going or who the character/s are. It doesn’t matter if its complete garbage, for all you know it could be complete gold! The important thing is you’re writing! A simple thought can lead to an expanding concept that makes the foundation for your story.

I tend to have several stories going at once. This is something that works for me, but for you it might not. Every writer is different. If I blank on one I have another to go to, et cetera et cetera. Sometimes I get muddled, but I usually write down a basic plot outline so when I go back to it, I know where I’m up to.

Another aspect to consider when you’re writing is to time yourself. Write as many words (terrible clichés included) as you can in a set time. Also, if you are writing and start to slow or feel stuck, walk away. Do some star-jumps or play with your cat. Do something active then come back. Giving yourself a break allows your mind to relax and refresh itself. Kind of like hitting a computer to get it working again.

For all these things I’ve talked about it is entirely up to you how you tackle the procrastination bug. I’d suggest seeing what other areas in your life you procrastinate with (I for one am a massive dilly-dallier) and see if you can quit the habit for most things. The more you do it the easier it becomes. However, I do believe procrastination can be a good thing in moderation, otherwise we’d never get time to day dream and fantasise.

So now my dear readers, go forth and un-procrastinate! And good luck to you all!

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Dorian Gray is a young man with extraordinary good looks. They captivate the attentions of society and he is adored and admired wherever he goes. When he becomes the muse of a local painter, Basil Hallward, he thinks nothing of it and agrees to sit for him.

Another friend of Basil's, Lord Henry Wotton, thrives on controversial and witty conversation. He marvels at Dorian’s beauty…but tells him that youth doesn’t last forever.

Dorian realises that the painting Basil has done of him will remain forever young and he will become decrepit and lose his charms. He makes a wish that the painting would bare his burdens and that he could remain forever young and untarnished.

Dorian is determined to live fully while he still has his youth…but when he turns to cruelty, it tarnishes not his own soul but the face of the painting. Unchanged, Dorian has no limitation on what he can do.

Can he keep the painting hidden away and live a life of sin and satisfaction…or will someone discover his secret?

I read this book for the first time years ago and recently sought to experience it again, this time in audio book format, if I could manage to find one with a satisfactory narrator. There were plenty to sample but one stood high above the rest. Fortunate for me, others thought so too, since I was lucky enough to find the version narrated by Simon Vance at a cut price on the Audible website.

Dorian’s story fascinates me. It is one thing to influence an individual but the idea that one man's words can turn another's life upside-down and unravel it in an entirely new direction is quite a concept.

Despite the fact that it is Lord Henry "Harry" Wotton's words on the fleeting presence of youth and how there is nothing better than being young and beautiful that do so, I do not see him as the antagonist of the story. To me, he is the catalyst. His opinions make Dorian think and set the story in motion but while he may act out of selfish tendencies, he doesn't seek to do anything out of spite.

While many people misrepresent Harry as being "evil" and even Satanic (ridiculous) I do still hold him accountable for what happens to Dorian. He made Dorian into his own personal project because he wanted to play a part in sculpting Dorian as an individual. Even though he had no idea of the repercussions, it was very careless of him.

Dorian has an abusive past. The lightness of Harry's words frighten him and make him anxious, affecting him in a deeper way than the older man could have imagined.

My favourite part of the entire novel is Lord Henry's monologue to Dorian:

“No, you don’t feel it now. Some day, when you are old and wrinkled and ugly, when thought has seared your forehead with its lines, and passion branded your lips with its hideous fires, you will feel it, you will feel it terribly. Now, wherever you go, you charm the world. Will it always be so?

“You have a wonderfully beautiful face, Mr. Gray.

“Don’t frown. You have. And Beauty is a form of Genius – is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or spring-time, or the reflection in dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has its divine right of sovereignty. It makes princes of those who have it.

“You smile? Ah! when you have lost it you won’t smile.

“People say sometimes that Beauty is only superficial. That may be so. But at least it is not so superficial as Thought. To me, Beauty is the wonder of wonders. It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.

“Yes, Mr. Gray, the gods have been good to you. But what the gods give they quickly take away. You have only a few years in which really to live. When your youth goes, your beauty will go with it, and then you will suddenly discover that there are no triumphs left for you, or have to content yourself with those mean triumphs that the memory of your past will make more bitter than defeats. Every month as it wanes brings you nearer to something dreadful. Time is jealous of you, and wars against your lilies and your roses. You will become sallow, and hollow-cheeked, and dull-eyed. You will suffer horribly.

“Realize your youth while you have it. Don’t squander the gold of your days, listening to the tedious, trying to improve the hopeless failure, or giving away your life to the ignorant, the common, and the vulgar, which are the aims, the false ideals, of our age. Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing.

“A new Hedonism – that is what our century wants. You might be its visible symbol. With your personality there is nothing you could not do. The world belongs to you for a season.

“The moment I met you I saw that you were quite unconscious of what you really are, what you really might be. There was so much about you that charmed me that I felt I must tell you something about yourself. I thought how tragic it would be if you were wasted. For there is such a little time that your youth will last – such a little time.

“The common hill-flowers wither, but they blossom again. The laburnum will be as golden next June as it is now. In a month there will be purple stars on the clematis, and year after year the green night of its leaves will hold its purple stars. But we never get back our youth. The pulse of joy that beats in us at twenty, becomes sluggish. Our limbs fail, our senses rot. We degenerate into hideous puppets, haunted by the memory of the passions of which we were too much afraid, and the exquisite temptations that we did not dare to yield to.

“Youth! Youth! There is absolutely nothing in the world but youth!”

This is the real reason Harry captivates me as a character. He has such a wonderful way with words. He spouts such contradictory opinions, much like Wilde's other quotable characters, such as Algernon Moncrieff and Lord Darlington. The difference is that Wilde gave Lord Henry Wotton’s words something very important: consequence.

While the witty words of Wilde have their own weight in his plays, the opinions given by his characters are often spoken lightly and to other societal characters who take the words at face value and banter back. In his novel, however, Wilde takes a susceptible young man, Dorian Gray, who hangs on Lord Henry’s every word and begins to live by them.

I could read Harry's monologue over and over. It's exquisite. It might seem quirky and frivolous but it has such an impact.

Here's the gist of what Dorian gets from Lord Henry's speech:

"Life is wonderful for you right now because you are young and beautiful. When you grow older and your physical attraction fades, life will be awful for you, people will tire of you and you will hate yourself. Relish the good times while they last."

While Lord Henry only means to be clever, opinionated and controversial, he is in utter ignorance of the damage he is causing to the young man, already jaded from his abusive childhood with his cruel grandfather. Telling him that his current happiness is doomed to end is tactless. Lord Henry places his own vanity and desire to be adored above any consideration of the possible repercussions of his words. Yes, Lord Henry Wotton may not be "evil" but that doesn't mean he isn't flawed.

There is a reason readers might find it hard to be swept up by The Picture of Dorian Gray and that reason is Chapter Eleven. In this chapter, Dorian is revealed to have a very obsessive personality. He will become enthralled by a particular subject and usurp all he can of it and then grow bored of it an toss it aside for something new. Pages are devoted to details of Dorian's obsessions and the paragraphs are huge. Even listening to the audio book, I had to double back on three different occasions.

The language of The Picture of Dorian Gray is exquisite. However, it can be a habit of readers (myself included) to skim over these passages in anticipation of further plot development. That is why I enjoyed listening to the audio book so much. I didn't have to worry about my eyes automatically glazing over and could instead just usurp the brilliance of Wilde's skill with words through Simon Vance's brilliant narration.

The Picture of Dorian Gray was originally a shorter novel that Wilde revised within a year of its original publication. This meant that he could flesh out Dorian's character and the story but it has also been noted that some of the homoerotic aspects of the book were toned down. The book as it is now, is very interesting to me because while is covers the scandalous themes of sin and corruption, Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton appear to be very much heterosexual. Of course, there is always the study of subtext on this matter.

Despite the fact that Wilde was imprisoned for his homosexuality and The Picture of Dorian Gray was used as evidence of his immoral behaviour (A book with the theme of immorality deemed immoral? No wonder Wilde considered himself a genius amidst such a society...) it is in fact the kind, humble and sensible Basil Hallward who is enamoured and inspired by Dorian. Not in any vulgar manner, either. It is a pure romance that envelops him.

Basil becomes the unfortunate victim of Harry's influence. Dorian sees Basil as someone who only admires his beauty and will be bored with him when it is lost. When the picture Basil painted of him becomes the bane of Dorian's life and the reflection of his corruption, Basil bears the unfortunate brand of antagonist in Dorian's eyes.

To me, Dorian is a very empathetic character. I did not feel sorry for him throughout the story but when the stakes escalated, I felt the tension of Dorian's situation and I found myself with my breath caught in my chest when his paranoia became tangible, anticipating whether he would manage his narrow escapes.

Simon Vance is a captivating narrator. He brings the characters to life and the plot into focus. The way he handles the language of the novel is mesmerising. I have already purchased another audio book which he narrates.

I listened to The Picture of Dorian Gray on speaker, at night, in bed. Whenever I turned it on, my cat Severus would run in from the other room to join me. I think he has excellent taste.

The Picture of Dorian Gray is not a story to be missed. The physical edition includes footnotes, explaining certain words and references modern readers may not comprehend but I cannot recommend the audio book highly enough. I know I will listen to it many times again in future.

Once done with the novel, if you are looking for a film adaption of the book to enjoy, then I suggest the more recent, Dorian Gray.

In accordance with the FTC, Quill Café would like to disclose that the reviewer purchased this book. The opinions expressed are hers alone and no monetary compensation was offered to her by the author or publisher. Cover art is copyright of Dalmatian Press and is used solely as an aide to the review.

A Cynic’s Guide to Male Readers

10 Steps to Obtaining a Male Readership

1. Action is vital. If you’re going to spend time on description, make sure it involves someone getting punched in the face or blowing something up and not scenery. Men want to read about characters who do things in the most awesome way imaginable. So unless your character can admire flowers in a super-dangerous and cunning way…well, he should still be punched in the face for it.

2. Sexual tension, not romance, is what you want. The woman (or women) in question must be sexy, strong and obsessed with danger. The average male doesn’t want to read about a damsel in distress, just a hot gal with enough personality to cause sexual conflict. The words “I love you” should never be used at any point in the text.

3. Men are drawn to the same stereotypical hero that women are. A lean but strong outlaw, whose bad boy antics always save the day in the most unconventional and witty manner. While women want a man they can imagine themselves with, men want a man they can imagine themselves being. Or with. Either way, you’re golden.

4. Short sentences. We’re writing for men, so let’s pander to them and say that this is due to “unnecessary time wastage” and not laziness or stupidity. The previous sentence is too long to be read by men. All sentences should be under twenty words. Paragraphs also need to be short.

5. Your protagonist must be a loner. It is fine for them to be in the oxymoronic company of other loners but only if this serves a purpose, usually financial. That or the companionship is unwanted and only accepted begrudgingly by your protagonist.

6. The story goal should be something like “revenge” or “financial gain” or “staying alive.” There is of course the egotistic approach of “saving the world” and “satisfying intellectual curiosity.”

7. A side-kick is a kick in your protagonist’s side that the protagonist doesn’t actually want around, who manages to save his ass at some point. This results in a reluctant bond between the two men. Yes, men. Dudes do not have female side-kicks. They have those sexy dangerous chicks who are never to be trusted because they could be pseudo quintuple agents.

8. Humour must be crude. Flatulence, jabs at other characters' personal traits and flaws...and of course: boobs. If a male character is attracted to women, the woman he is attracted to must have very noticeable boobs. If you have a guy who fancies his women based on sentiment, cut him...and make more time for boob jokes.

9. Size matters. So does winning. If your character loses at any point in the plot, it's revenge time and he has to kick up the battle by 110%. Men like impossible percentages. They work in their favour.

10. Ares forbid, you try to write a story that attracts male readership with a female protagonist, she must be as awesome as your outlaw and your pseudo quintuple agent combined. You must also have multiple male characters to balance out this offence and boost the testosterone level in your story. Don't forget the boobs. Studies show that bustier women are much more qualified at kicking ass.

So, start writing. You know what to do.

Yours,

The Cynic