Tuesday, December 31

Lord Voldemort's New Year's Resolutions

In honour of today being Lord Voldemort's birthday, I made a list of the Dark Lord's New Year's resolutions:

1. Kill Harry Potter.

2. Teach people to pronounce my name. The "t" is silent, for squib's sake! How is my wrath meant to be summoned when people say my name incorrectly? I cannot tell if people fear me or are simply incompetent.

3. House train Nagini. Why did I put part of my soul in her? A sheer act of desperation. She sheds everywhere! Do I lose a part of my soul every time she sheds? Am keeping sheddings just in case. Though it does make me feel like one of those sad muggles that collect their toenail clippings.

4. Enslave and exterminate muggles. They are vile.

5. Muggle-borns also need to be done away with. Half-bloods are on permanent probation, myself excluded.

6. Develop potion to significantly raise intelligence. Inbreeding to solidify the wizarding bloodline seems to come with the added side effect of most pure-blood offspring being utter morons.

7. Get my hands on Godric Gryffindor's sword and make it my final horcrux. Nagini's shedding is infuriating. Anyone else who vexed me this much I would simply smote...but she is literally a part of me. Curses.

8. Kill everyone I hated as a child, particularly the horrid muggle children from the orphanage. How to find them, though? If only there was a mass network to help me trace everyone I ever went to school with...

9. Thank Merlin I was barely alive through the eighties. Just saw some photographs of muggle attire from that period. It's like they invented their own form of the Cruciatus Curse.

10. Kill all of the spare muggle sympathisers that side with Potter. There is no room for traitors in my regime.

Hope you all have a quiller new year!

1 comment:

Tyler Jolley said...

LOL, Keri, these are awesome!