1. Promote your new book or blog post several times a day on every social media site. Remember to attach at least five hashtags. #amazingbook #mustread #hedgehogsftw #fivestars #bookworm
2. Join literary chats, and constantly veer the conversation to your own work. If someone asks, 'What is the best book you've read recently?' suggest yours.
3. Mass follow/friend people – particularly book reviewers and industry professionals – in hope that they will notice you.
4. POST IN CAPS TO STAND OUT. YOU'RE NOT BEING OBNOXIOUS, YOU ARE JUST AWARE THAT PEOPLE HAVE SHORT ATTENTION SPANS.
5. Take any and all criticism about your work personally. Directly engage critics, accusing them of bullying. Use insults to solidify your point.
6. Make video blogs, but only when you are overly emotional. Then, upload them straight to the internet.
7. Create dummy accounts to rate, rave about, and review your own books. You're just voicing the opinions of your impassioned – yet passive – readers.
8. Use social networking sites to keep people updated on your personal life. Share pictures of your daily cup of coffee and your toddler's potty training progress.
9. Install bots that write automated messages to new subscribers, and updates everyone on how many people have followed/unfollowed you that week. This frees up your time, while making you appear active, honest, and personable.
10. Regularly tag and message high profile writers and industry professionals, so that they can marvel at your perseverance and inevitable triumph.
Spam and CAPS: The secret to self-promotional success.